A difficult subject...

This is a topic I have had on my mind for quite some time. I first suspected that there was something amiss with me at around 8 weeks postpartum. I was having difficulty with new motherhood, and really struggling with quite a few different issues. Breastfeeding being the most prominent. But I dismissed it as the "baby blues" which so many women get due to changing hormones. It wasnt until around 3 months postpartum that I realized this wasnt getting better or going away. I saw my primary physician who referred me to a therapist. I began seeing a therapist whom I really liked. She helped me work through some underlying issues with myself (primarily very low self esteem) and was in general a really insightful and supportive person. But when I started my new job I was unable to continue seeing her due to a very large copay for mental health services. I stopped seeing her about a month ago and wondered what it was that I should do. Should I call myself cured and go along my merry (or not) way? I tried this approach until recently when I realized that it just wasnt working. I realized that I cant wish this away. I always just figured that I had a mild case of postpartum depression. But then I saw my primary physician again this week. He asked me to complete a depression screening test. I was somewhat surprised to find that I scored as severely depressed. The picture in my mind that I form when I think of someone who is very depressed is someone who lingers in bed, mopes around, and is generally unable to function. As blue as I may be at times I dont think I have any of those characteristics. I function pretty well (if I do say so myself) and I dont think I am *too* much of a downer to be around. So I was somewhat surprised to find out how severe it seems my depression really is. Even though I have been aware that something was not right, I dont think I had really realized how bad it had become. The tricky thing about postpartum depression (ppd) for me is that its very subtle in how it effects your life. On the worst days its like someone has taken a paintbrush and painted my life gray. The color seems to leave me, and its difficult to function at the level I expect from myself. Which then makes me feel sad and useless which becomes a difficult cycle to extract myself from. My therapist was constantly reminding me that I needed to think positively about myself, which is probably the most difficult thing about ppd for me. I have always had a poor self image, and I find that on my worst days there is absolutely nothing positive that I can say or think about myself. What most upsets me is that even though my conscious mind knows how blessed I am to have an amazing family, a fulfilling career, and to want for nothing, on the bad days I cant see those things. They are still there, but the negatives are more prominent.
So I am now awaiting word from my physician to let me know how he would like to proceed with treatment. I can only hope that whatever method he and I choose will work, and promptly. I cannot wait to feel like "me" again.

Here is a very informative and understandable blog post about ppd from Cottonbabies. A lot of the comments are what cemented the diagnosis for me. I can totally commiserate with most of the descriptions of the symptoms. The blog is here and here is a little snippet:

"Postpartum depression is a serious issue that needs to be talked about openly. As with many mental health issues, there is often a stigma attached to PPD. Sometimes even well meaning mothers, women and even medical personnel can dismiss symptoms with comments like, “Every new mom feels that way sometimes” or “Of course dear, you're sleep deprived. It's only natural you feel like that.” What are we as a community of moms to do? We need to educate ourselves and others. According to the Mayo Clinic:

Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks."