9 months old!

When you are pregnant one thing that you will hear from absolutely everyone (and their second-cousin third removed) is that "it will go by so fast." This is one of those times where I must admit that I kind of rolled my eyes and thought "yeah, sure it does." It has always amazed me that certain times of the year can just race by. Specifically I find that once the school year begins that its over in what seems to be the blink of an eye. One day you are preparing for the first day of school and before you realize what has happened its summer again. I have found this same phenomenon to be true in parenting I'm sad to say. Honestly I simply cannot believe that my child has now been an "outside baby" longer than he was an "inside baby." I have now experienced something that every parent will at some point. The strange mix of joy and deep sadness at watching your child grow. With every new development your heart leaps, while at the same time you long for a time when they were smaller, and more dependent on you. While he was small I fervently wished and dreamed of the days when he was more active, and interested in things. And now I remember with longing the days when all he wanted to do was nap on my chest. When I could slip him into my arms with such ease, and when it was so easy to figure out what he needed (food, sleep, a change). He has become this vocal, opinionated, and amazing creature in such a wink of time. Sorry for the sappy overload. I find that the closer he gets to one (three months!!) I more melancholy I get.
He had his 9 month checkup today. His stats are as follows:

Birth 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long
4 days old 6lbs 9oz 21 inches long
6 days old 7lbs 4oz
11 days old 7lbs 4oz 21 inches long
25 days old 8lbs 5oz 22.5 inches long
32 days old 10lbs 5oz
39 days old 11lbs 5oz
46 days old 12lbs 5oz 23.3 inches long
58 days old 13lbs 7oz
138 days old 16lbs 10oz (96%) and 25.5 inches long (89%)
6 months old 19lbs 9oz (92%) and 28.3 inches long (98%)
9 months old 21lbs 9oz (76%) and 30.1 inches long (96%)

So he has gotten longer and leaner. He only put on an ounce since he was at the doctors for an ear infection almost one month ago. Though the doctor wasnt concerned she advised that we feed him overnight if he desires since he hasnt gained much. The lack of weight gain isnt terribly surprising since most babies slow down their growth rate once they become mobile. His face is slimming down and he is loosing the chubby baby rolls. ::sobs:: He is beginning to look more and more like a little man. He can now pull up on things (although he doesnt do it at home often), army crawl with the best of them, and get himself to a sitting position with ease. He has really gotten much better at feeding himself solid foods. We do a combination of Baby Led Solids and the typical purees. I try to include some type of food for him to feed himself at each meal, but I also finish up the meal with some purees. He eats three times a day and gets all kinds of foods. Often we find that he will put lots of food in his mouth and "chew" it but that he doesnt swallow much. I gave him some whole wheat toast with a tiny bit of almond butter on top today and he devoured it. Literally there was nearly nothing left to clean up! So we are making progress.

His sleep is still crap. I moved the twin mattress to the floor and put a mesh bedrail next to it to make a "floor bed." To put him to sleep for naps/night we lay down with him. And before I moved the mattress we were having to wait until he was really asleep to move him to his crib. So now we just lay down with him and leave him on the mattress. I think he sleeps a smidge better there than in his crib.

He enjoyed his first Christmas and got lots of wonderful gifts from family and friends. He also enjoyed the yummy food he got to eat like mashed potatoes, vegetarian stuffing, roasted brussel sprouts, and more. Here are his 9 month pictures and some other random pictures I have taken throughout the month.

Our first family Christmas picture!

Ready to open presents!

Big boy!

The only way I could get him to sit still was to give him the monkey!

Merry Christmas To All!

This year has brought so many blessings and challenges. Being new parents to our wonderful son, beginning school and finishing school for my husband and I consecutively. And beginning my career. I never imagined how difficult and challenging parenting could be, nor how fulfilling and amazing. Watching him grow has been such a journey and I wouldnt change it for anything.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Spend it enjoying your families and remembering the blessings this past year has brought.

7 and 8 months!

My big boy is 8 months and 8 days old today. ::sob::
Since I last wrote he has begun rolling from back to front (and back again), sitting up without help, and army crawling around the house. He has started eating three solids meals of purees as well as bits and pieces of various things. He especially likes bananas and toasted whole grain waffles. He now has two teeth, one on top and one on the bottom. He has also decided that sleep is for wimps and is waking up multiple times per night. He likes to spice things up at night by screaming and rolling around for awhile. He celebrated his first Thanksgiving with some chestnut stuffing, and sweet potato casserole. We are still nursing, and I am still pumping. I get enough for one bottle a day and he nurses in the morning and nights and for naps on the weekends. I have to say I never thought I would make it this far so I am rather proud of myself.

Here are his seven and eight month pictures:

I think my goal for 2011 is going to be to keep up with my blog better (-:

A difficult subject...

This is a topic I have had on my mind for quite some time. I first suspected that there was something amiss with me at around 8 weeks postpartum. I was having difficulty with new motherhood, and really struggling with quite a few different issues. Breastfeeding being the most prominent. But I dismissed it as the "baby blues" which so many women get due to changing hormones. It wasnt until around 3 months postpartum that I realized this wasnt getting better or going away. I saw my primary physician who referred me to a therapist. I began seeing a therapist whom I really liked. She helped me work through some underlying issues with myself (primarily very low self esteem) and was in general a really insightful and supportive person. But when I started my new job I was unable to continue seeing her due to a very large copay for mental health services. I stopped seeing her about a month ago and wondered what it was that I should do. Should I call myself cured and go along my merry (or not) way? I tried this approach until recently when I realized that it just wasnt working. I realized that I cant wish this away. I always just figured that I had a mild case of postpartum depression. But then I saw my primary physician again this week. He asked me to complete a depression screening test. I was somewhat surprised to find that I scored as severely depressed. The picture in my mind that I form when I think of someone who is very depressed is someone who lingers in bed, mopes around, and is generally unable to function. As blue as I may be at times I dont think I have any of those characteristics. I function pretty well (if I do say so myself) and I dont think I am *too* much of a downer to be around. So I was somewhat surprised to find out how severe it seems my depression really is. Even though I have been aware that something was not right, I dont think I had really realized how bad it had become. The tricky thing about postpartum depression (ppd) for me is that its very subtle in how it effects your life. On the worst days its like someone has taken a paintbrush and painted my life gray. The color seems to leave me, and its difficult to function at the level I expect from myself. Which then makes me feel sad and useless which becomes a difficult cycle to extract myself from. My therapist was constantly reminding me that I needed to think positively about myself, which is probably the most difficult thing about ppd for me. I have always had a poor self image, and I find that on my worst days there is absolutely nothing positive that I can say or think about myself. What most upsets me is that even though my conscious mind knows how blessed I am to have an amazing family, a fulfilling career, and to want for nothing, on the bad days I cant see those things. They are still there, but the negatives are more prominent.
So I am now awaiting word from my physician to let me know how he would like to proceed with treatment. I can only hope that whatever method he and I choose will work, and promptly. I cannot wait to feel like "me" again.

Here is a very informative and understandable blog post about ppd from Cottonbabies. A lot of the comments are what cemented the diagnosis for me. I can totally commiserate with most of the descriptions of the symptoms. The blog is here and here is a little snippet:

"Postpartum depression is a serious issue that needs to be talked about openly. As with many mental health issues, there is often a stigma attached to PPD. Sometimes even well meaning mothers, women and even medical personnel can dismiss symptoms with comments like, “Every new mom feels that way sometimes” or “Of course dear, you're sleep deprived. It's only natural you feel like that.” What are we as a community of moms to do? We need to educate ourselves and others. According to the Mayo Clinic:

Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks."

A very, very late 6 month post.

This is a very, very, late post. Jake will be 7 months old in T-minus 3 days and counting. But as you might have noticed there is a lack of 6 month posting. Yeah, um, well, I am running out of excuses here. I suck at blogging is the long and short of it. But here is some crazy news which may help me to start blogging more regularly. I am FINISHED with my Masters degree. D...O...N...E...DONE!! I will hopefully be graduating with my degree soon, and I will be able to walk in the Spring if I so choose.

But back to the important things. Jake is nearly 7 months old. At his 6 month checkup he was 20lbs and 28.25 inches long. He is in the 87th percentile for weight and the 98th percentile for height. The doctor said he was doing great, and that he was definitely teething. But she was somewhat concerned that he was at that point not rolling over yet from back to belly, and that he was not sitting up unassisted yet for very long. So she referred us to an early intervention center. I have not yet contacted them but I am considering it.

Things around these parts have been scarce in sleep. About 5 1/2 months Jake started waking up frequently at night and fussing and wanting to nurse. As much as I appreciate that he wants to nurse, its very difficult to do a good job at work the next day when I have had only 4 hours of unbroken sleep. I attributed this to teething. And honestly I think its a combination of both. He IS teething, he is getting a front bottom tooth in that just will not break through the skin for whatever reason. But I also am wondering if he is hungry. He went from eating every 2 hours to eating every 3-4 hours at daycare. He is down to about 25 ounces of formula (and one 5-7 ounce bottle of breastmilk) per day. He was previously eating more than that (upwards of 30 ounces daily in just formula). So I tend to wonder if he is hungry. It just doesnt seem normal to me for him to eat so much less than he was eating. We have been trying to give him a dream feed before bed which seems to help. He seems to sleep better at night when he gets 6 bottles per day. So its been over a month now of crappy sleep. Which really sucks considering he was sleeping 12 hours a night previously. I also never thought I would bedshare but I find myself doing it often these days. Sometimes he just will not go back to sleep unless he is snuggle up next to me. And since I value sleeping I just go with it. I am sure I will one day regret this. But it works for us for now. I am certain that I will miss the days when he wants to snuggle. So I will take advantage of it while I can.

So that's what we are up to. A pretty succinct summary of the past month I would say. Be on the lookout for the 7 month post. Hopefully before he is 8 months (0:

And some pictures:
Eating some yogurt.
Handsome 6 month old boy.
Toesies
And this is how we spend many of our days lately.

Bad, bad, bad blogger....

::hangs head in shame::

I'm not sure how long its been. But I know its been a looonggg time. Possibly two months worth of looonggg time. I kept meaning to post J-man's 5 month pictures and I just never did. Bad mama blogger, bad, bad. In my defense I have in that time been ending the summer, setting up my classroom, beginning the school year, beginning my final classes for my Masters degree and trying to sleep in the in-between times. But there is really no excuse.

How is the Jakester you ask? He is doing great! In my absence he has started daycare (sobs quietly in the background while typing this). You know, in my head I always thought he would have to go to daycare eventually. But I think it my secret mind I hoped I might win the lottery or some such wonderment which would thus allow me to stay at home with my joy. Unfortunately ::sigh:: it didnt happen. So here we are, and Jake really enjoys daycare. He loves his teacher and always gives her lots of big smiles. It started out well and his class only had he and another little boy. But now they are at capacity (which is 4:1) which makes me sad. I'm not sure I understand how 1 person cares for 4 babies ranging in age from 5 months to 1 year but I probably dont want to dwell on it too much. It will cause me to go insane.

So he has been in daycare now for almost one month. And he is doing fine with it. We have seen a dramatic improvement in his willingness to do tummy time, which I believe in turn has helped his flat spot because that seems to have rounded out quite a lot. He is NOT rolling over yet, nor is he sitting up unassisted for longer than 25 seconds. We wont talk about how much this irks me. But I know, I know, I need to not compare babies and not worry about it. He is developing fine. I think his face is even thinning out a bit. Tee hee.
He is becoming so much more vocal, and has developed the high pitch squeals/screams that make us giggle. We are still nursing, mostly just in the mornings and if he wakes up at night. He has also started nursing to sleep at night which is so stinkin' sweet. I pump at work (and on the way to pick him up, and about 4 other times during the day) which sucks. Pumping sucks. There is no eloquent way to put that. It just sucks. It would be so much easier to pump if I was producing enough to feed him. But I dont come anywhere close to that. I produce enough for two bottles, and about 2 supplemental nursings a day. And we wont go into how many galactogages (and one prescription medication) that I take to keep my supply at that level. Its too depressing. But we keep going because I know it is good for him and I still enjoy the bonding that I feel comes from nursing. I love that he goes to sleep so peacefully when he nurses. When he wont nurse he tends to fuss until he falls asleep.

And on an exciting note we weaned from the swaddle!!! I use three exclamation points because its shocking to me. I figured we would be using that thing until he could roll over. But one night he woke up struggling to get his arms free at 1am and I was done. We weaned that night and havent looked back since. I stick him in a Halo organic cotton sleepsack now and he sleeps fine. He often has his arms above his head at night (just like mommy!). And on another sleep front he is now a belly sleeper.
::waits for the shocked gasps and admonishments::

Yes we allow him to sleep on his belly. And this was a big deal for me because I am terrified of SIDS. BUT he began falling asleep regularly on his belly for naps. And then he started waking up every hour or so at night until around 10pm and then sleeping through the night. And for a baby who was sleeping 12 hours straight until that point it was a bit strange. So we tried sleeping him on his belly and havent looked back since. He sleeps very well like that, and we have him on the Angelcare Monitor still so I dont worry too much. He also sleeps right next to us in a co-sleeper and I check his breathing often. So in short we are okay with it. And he sleeps, which is what matters considering I get up at 5am daily and have very long days now.

Today Mr J started solids. Just trying them out really. He will be 6 months old in just a little over a week. So I wanted to just get started and see how he did. I stuck him in his highchair and handed him a banana and he went to town. He loved the banana, and I think next time I will try either a piece of broccoli or a piece of sweet potato. He didnt each much if anything, but we are doing Baby-led weaning or Baby-led Solids and its more about exploring the foods and textures than really "eating." So that was very exciting. And now for some pictures!

Happy four monthiversary Jake!

The J-man is 4 months old today. Let me say it again (and again, and again) it is just INSANE how quickly time flies. How can this huge smiling, rolling, almost-regularly laughing little boy be the same tiny yellow baby? It just blows my mind. I'm certain I will be saying the exact same thing in 18 years when he graduates from high school (top of his class of course and headed to Harvard).

In J-man news:
At his last checkup he was 16lbs 10oz, and 25.5 inches long. They say they are supposed to double their birth weight by 6 months. Well, we have an overachiever. He was born at 8lbs 2oz. So he has more than doubled his birthweight....by four months. Yes, he likes to eat. Hell, I like to eat too. So this is no surprise. Everyone comments on what a good baby he is. I will agree, except when he gets hungry. When that child is even the tiniest twinge of hungry you WILL know about it. We go in for his skull x-rays tomorrow. Hopefully we will get the results quickly, and then we will be going to see a specialist out of the local childrens hospital. Just precautionary of course. But I feel its better to be pro-active with this. So after my last post, where I noted that he wasnt laughing. Yeah, um, well the next day he showed me how to eat my words. He laughed hysterically at one of my mom's co-workers for a good minute or two. As soon as I pulled out the camera to capture the moment he stopped. And he hasnt really laughed since. He has started to a couple of times, but no real laughs like he gave the virtual stranger. It's like he read my blog entry and thought "i'll show her, I will laugh for this lady and then NEVER again."
* Insert diabolical laugh here.*
Hopefully by his next monthiversary I will be able to post a video of a laughing chubster. Lets hope.

His stats are as follows:
Birth 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long
4 days old 6lbs 9oz 21 inches long
6 days old 7lbs 4oz
11 days old 7lbs 4oz 21 inches long
25 days old 8lbs 5oz 22.5 inches long
32 days old 10lbs 5oz
39 days old 11lbs 5oz
46 days old 12lbs 5oz 23.3 inches long
58 days old 13lbs 7oz
138 days old 16lbs 10oz (96%) and 25.5 inches long (89%)

And for some comparison:
From tiny squishy boy
To big chubby baby:

Update on the J-man and life in general

The Jake-brake (as my husband has taken to calling him) is doing very well. He is gaining weight and growing like a weed. He had his four month check up on Friday with a second round of the DTaP vacccine and the Rotavirus vaccine. We have chosen to get him completely vaccinated, but on an alternative schedule. Slightly delayed, and fewer vaccines at a time is what we have chosen to do. He is meeting most milestones in a timely manner. He hasnt started laughing yet which seemed to surprise the doctor. Because he is so vocal I think she thought he would have started laughing by now. He is starting to grasp and reach for things more regularly now which is darling. He still wont regularly roll over, I just think he doesnt want to. He has amazing head control, and the doctor kept commenting on how "interactive" he was with her. He is a people kinda baby. He would much rather be "talking" to me or DH than playing with toys or having tummy time.

Unfortunately though he has a bit of a flat spot on one side. It is positional, which is normal. It hasnt effected his soft spot or his facial features at all. The doctor didnt seem too concerned about it, but I am. I have heard stories of babies who require helmets due to a severe flat spot, and insurance doesnt normally cover these helmets. So I want to be proactive to try and avoid having to pay for a 3,000.00 helmet. The doctor is going to send us to a specialist to have it looked at, and make sure it isnt anything to be too concerned about. But we are trying to get him off of his back as much as possible. So we wear him, or hold him in a sitting position or standing position. Or we use the jumper, and DH has had success with getting him to nap on his stomach. For when he is playing on his back we have a little Boppy pillow that is supposed to help get the pressure off of the back of his head and disperse it a bit more.

In other news I have about 5 more weeks left before I begin teaching full time! Yay! I believe we have found a daycare that we are comfortable with. They will even use our cloth diapers! I am working hard to get my supplies ready, my policies and procedures ironed out, and everything else in place for this huge transition. Unfortunately my own schooling has taken an unforeseen turn. I thought I would be finished this summer. But because of the un-helpfulness of a few professors I am going to have to drop my last course and re-register for the fall semester. Although I am annoyed, I am just happy that I will be done soon and I am trying not to dwell on it.

Whew, I hope you all enjoy reading novels. Because that turned into one. I will be back soon with 4 month pictures for Jake-brake.

Breastfeeding.

I know what you're thinking. Another post about freakin' breastfeeding. GAH! Well I feel the same way. Only I am living it. So around here Mr J had been pulling off the breast and screaming until I give him a bottle. I though *uh-oh* the beginning of the end for us. Well I am not a quitter in anything I do. So I upped the ante. I just wouldnt feel good about myself if I didnt give it everything I have. So I started taking a large dose of fenugreek which resulted in leg cramps from lowered serum potassium levels. Discontinued that. I tried beer at night for a few days with *maybe* a slight difference although not much. I need to keep that up. I tried a hospital grade pump which only resulted in very sore nipples and no difference in output. I am now trying Domperidone and pumping twice after the J-man goes to bed to try and shorten the night-time gap between feedings. I am also considering buying a supplemental nursing system. This would allow me to get him the formula he *needs* to thrive while keeping him at the breast which will hopefully stimulate me to produce more for him. This was suggested to me when he was tiny, but I was just so very overwhelmed with adjusting to life with this screaming, wiggly, tiny thing that I couldnt even think about it. So here we are at almost 4 months old and I am pondering ways to save our nursing relationship.

Many people are going to think I am insane. I get that. But for someone who believed and desired to breastfeed for a year or longer 4 months just makes me feel like a quitter. And I am just not ready to give up that bonding that only nursing can bring. Knowing that I am providing his nutrition, and giving him the best possible food. And so it continues. For now things are still the same, we supplement with each feeding using a bottle. I have managed to nurse him exclusively for the first 1 or 2 feedings and right before bed.

Mondays are weird.

Mondays are strange. I work part-time as a nanny right now, and I work two evenings a week and all day Saturdays and Sundays (about 7 hours a day). I am off on Mondays so its kind of like my weekend with him.
Well Jake gets a bottle of course when I am at work. And I almost think he misses the boob because Mondays we spend 85% of the day nursing. Literally he was up at 6:30 this morning and he has maybe slept for an hour and a half total (on me of course) and it is now noon. When he isnt sleeping he is nursing. This has become a pattern on Mondays. We spend most of the day on the couch just hanging out, playing, nursing, and sleeping. It seems to even out on the rest of the week where he will just eat and be done with it. But on Mondays he wants the boob all.day.long.

I have to giggle sometimes. Because bottle-fed babies are supposed to prefer the bottle because its faster and lose interest in the breast. Not my kid, he will pick the boob every time. Cant complain about that, and what better way to spend a day than cuddling with my boy?

And we have a roller!

3 months and 3 days old and he rolled from tummy to back! I was in the process of trying to get his picture and he rolled over! I quickly shouted to DH "Holy crap he rolled over!" But alas he refused to do it again for DH's viewing pleasure. Yay for Jake!

How true it is...

I hope my children will look back on today
And see a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up while we're not looking.
Dusting and scrubbing can wait 'till tomorrow
For babies grow fast we learn to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Fathers Day...

We had a very nice first fathers day in the sunshine. We started the day off with a nice long walk on the beach looking for turtle nests. Although we didnt find any actual nests, we did find two "false-crawls" in which the turtle comes out of the water to lay her nest but decides (for whatever reason) that its not the right time and leaves without laying her eggs. Here is a picture of the proud papa wearing little man on his back for the first time:

Then because I had to work DH took Jake to his parents house for a nice Fathers Day breakfast. And when I got home from work we went to my parents house for a nice dinner. It was great to see family (as always) and I am glad I got the opportunity to see my dad. I dont get to see him enough. I didnt get to do as much for DH as I wanted to, but such is life. He will have many many more Fathers Days for me to make it up to him. I did a photo shoot with little man last week to put together a nice photo collage for DH to put on his desk at work. I think it turned out well!
I used some props and put together this layout in Scrapblog. Then I printed out 4x6's for my DH, my father, and my father in law (I changed the wording to match their titles). I hope you all had a great Fathers Day too, whether it was the first, or the fiftieth!

3 months old!!

Okay so I am a day late with this post....sue me! Jake is 3 months (and 1 day) old! I will never understand how you can start with a tiny (in comparison) chicken-legged baby boy and get this chubby, smiley, and chatty baby in such a short time. Its such a struggle too between the excitement of seeing him grow and develop, and the sweet sadness that comes over me when I realize he is getting bigger and that he will never be that small ever again.

Only three months old but life is unrecognizable from just three months ago. Nothing can prepare you for how difficult those first few weeks will be. But it just gets better and better. I commented the other day to my husband about how lucky we were. He is truly a good baby and I am not sure why we lucked out so much!

So in Jake news:
* He is now completely sleeping through the night. The sleep situation around here is good, real good. I take no credit for this, as I have done nothing to encourage it (aside from praying of course). But as it stands now (and dear Lord please keep it this way) he goes down for the night between 8 and 9pm. He sleeps through until 6 or 7am. Up until a week ago he was waking up sometime around 3am for a nursing session, but he just recently dropped this.
*Another milestone on the sleep front is the WAY he is going to bed. We used to have to make sure he was deeply asleep before putting him down. But now I can put him down drowsy but awake and he goes to sleep on his own. This to me is the most exciting thing! I can simply pat his bottom until he is drowsy and just put him in his co-sleeper with his sound machine on and his binky and he is good to go! Amazing!
*He is quite the talker now. He started saying the ever-popular Ah-goo around 2 1/2 months and that is a favorite. But he makes lots of sounds and LOVES to sit and have a conversation with you. This usually includes lots of smiling and eye contact. He always looks so serious when we are talking too, like he knows what he has to say is of the utmost importance.
* I have officially retired his 0-3 month clothes. I think I have 1 Circo onesie that still fits in that size. All the rest are done for. We are squarely in either 3-6 month or even some 9 month clothing. So much for all the nice winter clothing (and the halloween costume) that Nana and I bought for him in 9 month size! Although I wont lie, I HAVE been enjoying buying him more clothes.
* He will now tolerate "tummy time" for about 10 minutes at a time. After that it gets ugly.
* He has a flat spot on his head. Not a huge one, but its just getting a little flat. I noticed it about a month ago and the pediatrician confirmed it. The pediatrician advised we put him on a rolled up receiving blanket at night on the opposite side, but he just ends up flat on his back in the morning. He seems to push it away or roll off of it somehow. So I have just been trying to get him off his head more during the day and let him sleep the way he wants. I am NOT about to go messing with bedtime, heck no!
*The pediatrician also commented on how good his eye contact and tracking was. She was talking to him and walked across the room and he followed her.
*He had two more vaccines last month, and got a little bit of a fever with them.

Stay tuned for a look at the Fathers Day pictures I made for DH!

Huge news here in the blogosphere!

I really should be cleaning my kitchen right now. But I HAD to jump on and write a blog post. Huge changes are coming to a theater near you, well, near me anyway. I know, I know I havent posted in forever. But I swear that anytime I am online anymore I am nursing and or feeding a baby. Thus I am reduced to the use of one hand at a time to surf the interwebz. And I HATE typing long messages (i.e. blog entries) with one hand. It makes my hand want to curl up and die, slowly. Buuuttt anywayz.

Here comes the huge news.....wait for it......

The "wannabe" teacher is now a REAL teacher! Well, sort of. I have been hired as a kindergarten teacher in my all-time favorite elementary school! I feel like that idyllic Disn.ey song "A dream is a wish" should be playing as the background of this post. I have been trying for a looonnnggg time to get a teaching job. And even though I *knew* (really just hoped) I would eventually get a job somewhere it was always extremely difficult to feel like you were being passed over or ignored for a position each year.

So this means I need to change the name of my blog...any suggestions?

I am way too overly excited about this. But I am also a teensy bit sad. This means that little Mr J is going to have to go into full-time daycare. In my head I KNOW this doesnt make me a bad mother. I TOTALLY know this with the sane portion of my brain. But this small part of my heart wishes I could stay home with him and never miss a second of his life. Crazy I know, but whoever said motherhood was a rational experience was obviously not a mother. As happy as I am to be working in my dream job, I am devastated at the thought that I might miss one of his "firsts" (rolling over, sitting up, crawling, laughing, etc). It hurts my heart more than I want to focus on right now for fear I will burst into tears and curl up into a ball on the floor sobbing irrationally. With the sane part of my mind I know that millions of mothers have children in daycare full-time, and these children lead happy, healthy, and fulfilled lives. But I will be brutally honest, it doesn't help right now. I think its just something I have to get used to. And I think it may take a lot of time.

Here is a little short story that I feel illustrates the job of a teacher perfectly I really love this story and wanted to share-

"One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?” The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.” “Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!” After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…” I made a difference for that one.”

Isnt that what we teachers do? We consciously realize that we cannot help every single child, but that we CAN help those in our class? That it makes a difference to them! And isnt that why we as teachers work so.very.hard, blood, sweat, and tears kind of hard for our kids? Because although we might wish we could make a difference to every.single.child we can be happy with just making a difference to those children in our class, or our school.

I will leave you with that, and go clean my stupid kitchen. Unless Mr J. wakes up. Not that I would *ever* wake him up purposefully so I could get out of cleaning my kitchen. No....never.

Keep an eye out for a 3 month update this weekend!!

2 months old!!

Yes you read that right. My little man is two months old today! Crazy. Double crazy. How does the time go by so quickly. Its something I will never understand. There is never enough time, and the time there is goes by so quickly!

We have been doing well. I suppose its okay for me to write this now, since its been going on for awhile. We are officially "sleeping through the night." It started about 3 weeks ago, and has continued to improve over the past three weeks. He started out by sleeping around 4-5 hours straight through the first "stretch" of the night. So if we put him down around 9 (this time varies nightly, just whenever he is tired) he would sleep until around 1 or 2am. This has since lengthened to about 6ish hours at a time. So he usually sleeps until around 3am or 3:30 and then wakes up for a feed. Then when he is done he goes back to sleep for another 3 or so hours. So things on the sleep front have really improved and I dont feel like the walking dead anymore. YAY for sleep!

He is hitting other milestones too. He is tracking with his eyes, he is cooing and making other noises, and he is really beginning to focus on things. I made a mobile for him that is hanging over his changing table, and we noticed that he LOVES it during diaper changes. He stares at it, and talks to it, and is generally happy to just lay there and look at it. Well I really wanted to get one to hang in his co-sleeper to help make night-times easier. Unfortunately there is literally NO mobile that hangs on a pack and play/co-sleeper. But I scored a used mobile off of Craigslist for his crib. The kid loves it. He will stare and talk to it for 10 or more minutes which is unheard of! Here is a video:

Tell me that isnt the cutest thing you have ever seen! Well you havent seen the pictures yet!

His stats are as follows:
Birth 8lbs 2oz and 21 inches long
4 days old 6lbs 9oz 21 inches long
6 days old 7lbs 4oz
11 days old 7lbs 4oz 21 inches long
25 days old 8lbs 5oz 22.5 inches long
32 days old 10lbs 5oz
39 days old 11lbs 5oz
46 days old 12lbs 5oz 23.3 inches long
58 days old 13lbs 7oz

He is nearing 14 pounds now! He is in the 90th percentile exactly for his weight, and the 91st percentile for height. He got his daddy's height that is for sure! So in short we are doing great! I am beginning to enjoy being a mommy more and more. When he smiles at you your heart just about melts into a puddle of goo. Now how about those pictures?

Boobies fail.....

So here one the thing I have learned the hard way. All those things you are so SURE you are going to do for or with your child when they are born, yeah those things dont always work out.
Here is the chance for those of you who told me "just wait until you have a child" to say "I told you so." You know who you are, go ahead you know you want to.

I ALWAYS thought I would breastfeed my children, not only that I was certain I would breastfeed for a year at least. During pregnancy when they tried to give me formula samples I would turn them down, because I knew exactly how I would feed my kid. And it wasnt formula. Nope, not for me. Fast forward to his birth.

After he was born I had an excess of colostrum. The nurses on the floor were all very impressed with how much I produced. He latched on okay, and nursed well. We definitely had some difficulties with his latch at first though. He sucked (and still does) his tongue, and the lactation consultant who came in to help me theorized that his latch was off because he was used to sucking on his tongue. He just wouldnt latch with my whole areola in his mouth like he was supposed to. He would slip off until he was nursing only on my nipple (gasp, I mentioned nipples) which means he wasnt getting everything he could have had. So we worked on it. She suggested introducing a pacifier to help with his suck. We eventually did this, and it did help. We also put into practice some of her other suggestions and slowly his latch got better. He was having wet diapers and poopy diapers like a champ and when we left the hospital on Monday he hadnt lost any weight.

All hell broke loose on Wednesday. I noticed Tuesday that he hadnt really had as many wet diapers as he should have. And we were really having a very difficult time with his latch as well at that point. So Wednesday of that week I took him to see the lactation consultant at the hospital who worked with us for an hour and a half. She also noticed that he was pretty severely jaundiced and very dehydrated. She actually suggested I give him a supplement of formula because he was so dehydrated. At that point my milk had come in, so I couldnt figure out why he was so dehydrated. Especially since he was eating every 2 hours around the clock. She suggested I take him to the pediatrician due to the lack of wet diapers and jaundice. It was there that I found out he had lost 1 pound and 9 oz in just 2 days. That shocked me. Here I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do, what I wanted to do, and my child was starving and dehydrated. How could that have happened? I seriously felt like the worst mom in the world at that point. It was at this point that I began to question whether or not I had enough milk to sustain him. The pediatrician put him into the hospital that night to get light therapy for his jaundice. He also recommended supplementing each nursing session with formula to increase his intake and outtake (which helps the jaundice to go away). So we followed this advice. We went home on Thursday afternoon with his jaundice getting better. I had hopes that I could wean him off of the formula within the week.

At the advice of the LC (lactation consultant) I lowered his formula intake to 1oz each nursing session. So that he was still getting his supplement to help eliminate the Biliruben from his system, but he wasnt getting the majority of his calories from formula. When we went back to the pediatrician that Friday we found out he had gained a little weight (a few ounces) which was great! So I lowered the supplement he was getting in the hopes that we could go back to exclusively nursing. Fast forward to two weeks later. He was nearly three weeks old. And he had gained nothing. He had gained no weight since he was a week old. It was at that point that I realized I simply was not producing enough milk. That was pretty much devastating. I had every intention of exclusively breastfeeding my child for as long as I could, and then I find out that my body has betrayed me. I couldnt do what I wanted to do, because I didnt make enough milk to feed him. Even after trying Fenugreek, pumping, and even eating oatmeal my supply never changed. I never became engorged, I never leaked, I never experienced the things that most breastfeeding mothers do. How disappointing.

So I decided at that point that my child gaining weight and thriving was more important than my hopes to breastfeed exclusively. So I upped his supplement of formula. Within one week he had gained nearly two pounds. So since that point we have been breastfeeding first so that he can get what little milk I can provide, and then giving him a bottle of formula.

I cant quite explain how I feel about this, because there are so many emotions. On one hand I am happy that he is obviously thriving, happy, and becoming quite the chubster. On the other hand I often feel extremely guilty and sad because I wasnt able to do what I wanted to do. I know that breastmilk is best and here I am feeding my child formula. Part of me wonders if I didnt do enough to get my supply up. Could I have done more?

So a final kick in the gut came this morning. I needed to pump this morning. Jake has been sleeping through the night for about a week (WOOT). Last night he slept from 10ish to 4:30am. So I hadnt nursed in awhile and I wasnt sure that I would get a chance to nurse him again until mid-morning because we had our weekly turtle patrol walk this morning. So I decided to pump since my breasts actually felt semi-full (after what 7 hours, jeez). So you would think that after such a long time I would get quite a bit of milk wouldnt you? I pumped both sides and guess how much I got......1.5 ounces. I didnt pump until empty on the left side so I may have gotten a tiny bit more on that side. Literally after 6ish hours I only got 1.5 ounces of milk from both sides total. How sad is that? Some women pump 12 ounces total! My son eats 4 ounces of formula after each nursing session, and I couldnt even pump enough to take the place of one feed! So I guess this kind of confirms my beliefs that I am simply not making enough milk to feed him exclusively. But I will continue to nurse first as long as he cooperates, and then supplement with formula.
As guilty as I feel about it, I have come to understand that it is what is best for him. And isnt that what matters the most?
But I tell you the mommy guilt sucks.

Sorry for the novel! I could say more about this but I will try not to bore you to tears.

Cloth diapers-a follow up!

So as you may remember I did a blog post during my pregnancy about our plan to cloth diaper. Its here if you want to read it. So I thought I would do a follow up post with our experiences thus far.

We started CD'ing (cloth diapering) in the hospital. Yup you got it, a "sposie" (disposable diaper) has never touched my kids bum. Not that I would never put one on him, but there is something very satisfying about knowing that the diapers I prepared for him have been used since birth. We simply took the diapers, and a wetbag to the hospital with us. The dirties went into the wetbag and came home with us to be washed. I did use the "wipes" the hospital provided. Of course those wipes were actually paper towels that I wet with water. I really should have just brought my cloth wipes with me. That would have been softer on his bum.

We have been doing GREAT with cloth diapering. He is now over 11lbs and is fitting into all of my one-size diapers. So I have WAY more than enough diapers to do laundry every other day, or even every third day. But I actually enjoy diaper laundry. Yes i know that is sick and twisted, but its true. I enjoy folding his diapers, and his little clothes so I end up doing it daily. I am kind of sad. So here is what I have learned thus far:

*I really really like the ease of AIO's. I LOVE our BumGenius AIO One-size Organics. They are so soft and absorbant, and very trim underneath clothes. I will probably be buying more of these sometime soon.

* I also really like using fitteds. I didnt have that many fitteds but have since been ordering a few more here and there because I like using these for out of the house, etc.

*When he was really small I really preferred using the tried-and-true prefold diapers. They were easiest to get a good fit with and so easy to wash. I still use my prefolds now, but he just pees SO much that they dont absorb enough.

* Thirsties Duo Wraps are the shiz. I also really like my sized Thirsties covers. The gusset in the legs makes all the difference. I have NEVER had poo or wetness escape from one of these covers. I dont plan to buy any other type of PUL cover.....ever.

* I like wool...but not that much. My kid pees a lot, seriously. So wool just doesnt seem to work that well for us. But I use it occasionally. And maybe I will use it more when he is older, he might pee less when he is older.....right?

* I like pocket diapers. I really didnt think I would. This surprises me. I figured it would be a pain in the arse to stuff them. Which it kind of is. But because my kid pees a lot (as previously mentioned) I really like that I can "double stuff" the pockets and get more absorbency with them. This allows them to be more absorbent for night-time. So I dont have to change him at every feed if he is very asleep, because changing him makes him scream (thus waking up). Right now I have 5 BumGenius 2.0's and 3.0's and 2 Rumparooz G2's that I double stuff with microfiber at night. These give us a bit more absorbency so he doesnt need to be changed as often and they also keep him dry since they have a layer of fleece that keeps the wetness away from his skin. I am really liking these so far and just bought two more. But I will say that it is kind of a pain to stuff them after each wash.

The biggest thing I have learned is that cloth diapers are easy. They are absolutely no harder than sposies when you consider that blowouts happen pretty often in sposies (at least in my experience) and then you have all that poopy clothing laundry. I have never had a poop blowout, and though we have had leaks they were completely user error (meaning they werent put on correctly) usually because they werent tight enough and left gaps around the legs or waist. He is very adept at pointing his boy parts right out of the diaper and peeing. Which leaves his diaper completely dry but his outfit completely soaked. He's talented I tell you! So I really do urge anyone who is interested to research cloth diapers, and find a system that works for you. It will save you money, and they are so darn cute!

And in light of all the controversy with the new Pampers (I think) Dry Max diapers which are leaving children with horrific chemical rashes I can breathe easy knowing my cloth will never do that to his oh-so-sensitive areas.

In one of his first cloth diapers at the hospital.

A prefold and a Thirsties Duo Wrap

A Rumparooz G2

A BG AIO One-size Organic