So here one the thing I have learned the hard way. All those things you are so SURE you are going to do for or with your child when they are born, yeah those things dont always work out.
Here is the chance for those of you who told me "just wait until you have a child" to say "I told you so." You know who you are, go ahead you know you want to.
I ALWAYS thought I would breastfeed my children, not only that I was certain I would breastfeed for a year at least. During pregnancy when they tried to give me formula samples I would turn them down, because I knew exactly how I would feed my kid. And it wasnt formula. Nope, not for me. Fast forward to his birth.
After he was born I had an excess of colostrum. The nurses on the floor were all very impressed with how much I produced. He latched on okay, and nursed well. We definitely had some difficulties with his latch at first though. He sucked (and still does) his tongue, and the lactation consultant who came in to help me theorized that his latch was off because he was used to sucking on his tongue. He just wouldnt latch with my whole areola in his mouth like he was supposed to. He would slip off until he was nursing only on my nipple (gasp, I mentioned nipples) which means he wasnt getting everything he could have had. So we worked on it. She suggested introducing a pacifier to help with his suck. We eventually did this, and it did help. We also put into practice some of her other suggestions and slowly his latch got better. He was having wet diapers and poopy diapers like a champ and when we left the hospital on Monday he hadnt lost any weight.
All hell broke loose on Wednesday. I noticed Tuesday that he hadnt really had as many wet diapers as he should have. And we were really having a very difficult time with his latch as well at that point. So Wednesday of that week I took him to see the lactation consultant at the hospital who worked with us for an hour and a half. She also noticed that he was pretty severely jaundiced and very dehydrated. She actually suggested I give him a supplement of formula because he was so dehydrated. At that point my milk had come in, so I couldnt figure out why he was so dehydrated. Especially since he was eating every 2 hours around the clock. She suggested I take him to the pediatrician due to the lack of wet diapers and jaundice. It was there that I found out he had lost 1 pound and 9 oz in just 2 days. That shocked me. Here I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do, what I wanted to do, and my child was starving and dehydrated. How could that have happened? I seriously felt like the worst mom in the world at that point. It was at this point that I began to question whether or not I had enough milk to sustain him. The pediatrician put him into the hospital that night to get light therapy for his jaundice. He also recommended supplementing each nursing session with formula to increase his intake and outtake (which helps the jaundice to go away). So we followed this advice. We went home on Thursday afternoon with his jaundice getting better. I had hopes that I could wean him off of the formula within the week.
At the advice of the LC (lactation consultant) I lowered his formula intake to 1oz each nursing session. So that he was still getting his supplement to help eliminate the Biliruben from his system, but he wasnt getting the majority of his calories from formula. When we went back to the pediatrician that Friday we found out he had gained a little weight (a few ounces) which was great! So I lowered the supplement he was getting in the hopes that we could go back to exclusively nursing. Fast forward to two weeks later. He was nearly three weeks old. And he had gained nothing. He had gained no weight since he was a week old. It was at that point that I realized I simply was not producing enough milk. That was pretty much devastating. I had every intention of exclusively breastfeeding my child for as long as I could, and then I find out that my body has betrayed me. I couldnt do what I wanted to do, because I didnt make enough milk to feed him. Even after trying Fenugreek, pumping, and even eating oatmeal my supply never changed. I never became engorged, I never leaked, I never experienced the things that most breastfeeding mothers do. How disappointing.
So I decided at that point that my child gaining weight and thriving was more important than my hopes to breastfeed exclusively. So I upped his supplement of formula. Within one week he had gained nearly two pounds. So since that point we have been breastfeeding first so that he can get what little milk I can provide, and then giving him a bottle of formula.
I cant quite explain how I feel about this, because there are so many emotions. On one hand I am happy that he is obviously thriving, happy, and becoming quite the chubster. On the other hand I often feel extremely guilty and sad because I wasnt able to do what I wanted to do. I know that breastmilk is best and here I am feeding my child formula. Part of me wonders if I didnt do enough to get my supply up. Could I have done more?
So a final kick in the gut came this morning. I needed to pump this morning. Jake has been sleeping through the night for about a week (WOOT). Last night he slept from 10ish to 4:30am. So I hadnt nursed in awhile and I wasnt sure that I would get a chance to nurse him again until mid-morning because we had our weekly turtle patrol walk this morning. So I decided to pump since my breasts actually felt semi-full (after what 7 hours, jeez). So you would think that after such a long time I would get quite a bit of milk wouldnt you? I pumped both sides and guess how much I got......1.5 ounces. I didnt pump until empty on the left side so I may have gotten a tiny bit more on that side. Literally after 6ish hours I only got 1.5 ounces of milk from both sides total. How sad is that? Some women pump 12 ounces total! My son eats 4 ounces of formula after each nursing session, and I couldnt even pump enough to take the place of one feed! So I guess this kind of confirms my beliefs that I am simply not making enough milk to feed him exclusively. But I will continue to nurse first as long as he cooperates, and then supplement with formula.
As guilty as I feel about it, I have come to understand that it is what is best for him. And isnt that what matters the most?
But I tell you the mommy guilt sucks.
Sorry for the novel! I could say more about this but I will try not to bore you to tears.
Here is the chance for those of you who told me "just wait until you have a child" to say "I told you so." You know who you are, go ahead you know you want to.
I ALWAYS thought I would breastfeed my children, not only that I was certain I would breastfeed for a year at least. During pregnancy when they tried to give me formula samples I would turn them down, because I knew exactly how I would feed my kid. And it wasnt formula. Nope, not for me. Fast forward to his birth.
After he was born I had an excess of colostrum. The nurses on the floor were all very impressed with how much I produced. He latched on okay, and nursed well. We definitely had some difficulties with his latch at first though. He sucked (and still does) his tongue, and the lactation consultant who came in to help me theorized that his latch was off because he was used to sucking on his tongue. He just wouldnt latch with my whole areola in his mouth like he was supposed to. He would slip off until he was nursing only on my nipple (gasp, I mentioned nipples) which means he wasnt getting everything he could have had. So we worked on it. She suggested introducing a pacifier to help with his suck. We eventually did this, and it did help. We also put into practice some of her other suggestions and slowly his latch got better. He was having wet diapers and poopy diapers like a champ and when we left the hospital on Monday he hadnt lost any weight.
All hell broke loose on Wednesday. I noticed Tuesday that he hadnt really had as many wet diapers as he should have. And we were really having a very difficult time with his latch as well at that point. So Wednesday of that week I took him to see the lactation consultant at the hospital who worked with us for an hour and a half. She also noticed that he was pretty severely jaundiced and very dehydrated. She actually suggested I give him a supplement of formula because he was so dehydrated. At that point my milk had come in, so I couldnt figure out why he was so dehydrated. Especially since he was eating every 2 hours around the clock. She suggested I take him to the pediatrician due to the lack of wet diapers and jaundice. It was there that I found out he had lost 1 pound and 9 oz in just 2 days. That shocked me. Here I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do, what I wanted to do, and my child was starving and dehydrated. How could that have happened? I seriously felt like the worst mom in the world at that point. It was at this point that I began to question whether or not I had enough milk to sustain him. The pediatrician put him into the hospital that night to get light therapy for his jaundice. He also recommended supplementing each nursing session with formula to increase his intake and outtake (which helps the jaundice to go away). So we followed this advice. We went home on Thursday afternoon with his jaundice getting better. I had hopes that I could wean him off of the formula within the week.
At the advice of the LC (lactation consultant) I lowered his formula intake to 1oz each nursing session. So that he was still getting his supplement to help eliminate the Biliruben from his system, but he wasnt getting the majority of his calories from formula. When we went back to the pediatrician that Friday we found out he had gained a little weight (a few ounces) which was great! So I lowered the supplement he was getting in the hopes that we could go back to exclusively nursing. Fast forward to two weeks later. He was nearly three weeks old. And he had gained nothing. He had gained no weight since he was a week old. It was at that point that I realized I simply was not producing enough milk. That was pretty much devastating. I had every intention of exclusively breastfeeding my child for as long as I could, and then I find out that my body has betrayed me. I couldnt do what I wanted to do, because I didnt make enough milk to feed him. Even after trying Fenugreek, pumping, and even eating oatmeal my supply never changed. I never became engorged, I never leaked, I never experienced the things that most breastfeeding mothers do. How disappointing.
So I decided at that point that my child gaining weight and thriving was more important than my hopes to breastfeed exclusively. So I upped his supplement of formula. Within one week he had gained nearly two pounds. So since that point we have been breastfeeding first so that he can get what little milk I can provide, and then giving him a bottle of formula.
I cant quite explain how I feel about this, because there are so many emotions. On one hand I am happy that he is obviously thriving, happy, and becoming quite the chubster. On the other hand I often feel extremely guilty and sad because I wasnt able to do what I wanted to do. I know that breastmilk is best and here I am feeding my child formula. Part of me wonders if I didnt do enough to get my supply up. Could I have done more?
So a final kick in the gut came this morning. I needed to pump this morning. Jake has been sleeping through the night for about a week (WOOT). Last night he slept from 10ish to 4:30am. So I hadnt nursed in awhile and I wasnt sure that I would get a chance to nurse him again until mid-morning because we had our weekly turtle patrol walk this morning. So I decided to pump since my breasts actually felt semi-full (after what 7 hours, jeez). So you would think that after such a long time I would get quite a bit of milk wouldnt you? I pumped both sides and guess how much I got......1.5 ounces. I didnt pump until empty on the left side so I may have gotten a tiny bit more on that side. Literally after 6ish hours I only got 1.5 ounces of milk from both sides total. How sad is that? Some women pump 12 ounces total! My son eats 4 ounces of formula after each nursing session, and I couldnt even pump enough to take the place of one feed! So I guess this kind of confirms my beliefs that I am simply not making enough milk to feed him exclusively. But I will continue to nurse first as long as he cooperates, and then supplement with formula.
As guilty as I feel about it, I have come to understand that it is what is best for him. And isnt that what matters the most?
But I tell you the mommy guilt sucks.
Sorry for the novel! I could say more about this but I will try not to bore you to tears.
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1 comments:
I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you like you wanted. While I haven't struggled with the nursing part, it was the birth part for me that didn't go as planned. I'm still trying to work through it emotionally. Keep trying to nurse him as much as you can. Just remember - you ARE a great mama to Jake!!!
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